Redneck Warriors

3 Jun

        Normally, I proudly announce that I am from Alabama, and continue to tout all the benefits of my beautiful state (an abundance of produce! beautiful beaches! low property taxes!), but every so often I will run across something that warrants a huge face palm and denial of being an Alabamian. One such thing is The First Freedom, a hyper-conservative, extremely offensive (to sane human beings) free rag that I picked up and started reading one day while I was having my tires rotated.

            This tabloid’s tagline announced that “Self-government begins at home” and that it was “Inviting the Zionist-controlled media’cracy to meet a rising free South.”

            I had no choice but to keep reading it, thinking to myself the entire time that it was so over-the-top it HAD to be satire. It wasn’t.

            To be honest, I didn’t read too many of the articles closely. They were so disjointed and poorly written that I was convinced they were those kinds of word jumble subliminal messages that would somehow brainwash me and make me refer to the Southern states as the C.S.A. (for the un-brainwashed: Confederate States of America).

            However, I did pay close enough attention to learn how to subscribe to this…publication.

            “Send $25 check, money order, (Federal Reserve Notes or one silver dollar at own risk) for next 12 monthly issues anywhere in the C.S.A. and U.S. Inmates may pay with postage stamps.”

            I continued to scan the pages. As I expected, a piece encouraging unregulated gun possession and lauding the efforts of the NRA; an attack on Hispanic immigrants; racism  referred to in quotation marks; and a column titled “Scalawag of the Month.” The people at the tire place probably thought I had some kind of problem because I think my jaw was on the table at that point.

            The real kicker however was a little sidebar on a Louisiana man who decided that, after President Obama’s November reelection, he wanted to petition for permission to secede from the Union. Yes. In 2013, there are still people who are trying to secede from the United States of America (Oh sorry, I wasn’t referring to Texas).

            The article was championing this man and, as a special bonus to sympathizers, included a template letter of secession, kindly written out by the president of the League of the South. In case you needed reason to get on board with this, the letter stated that “secession was the original American political doctrine.”

            After that, it was time to put down the “paper” and try to figure out how to get in touch with The Colbert Report and let Steven Colbert have his way with it…


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